August 5, 2018

Today is August 5 and my baby boy is turning 9.  Wow – how time passes.  When I was younger, all I wanted to do was to grow up and get married and stay home with my children.  If I remember correctly, I was estimated by my school friends to be the girl that would get married first in my class.  And if I had my best guess, I don’t think I had expectations of achieving much more than that.   I was young, blonde and a little dingy.  It’s ok that I confess that, but it would have made me mad if someone else said that about me.  As old fashioned as this may sound, I wanted to be that good woman behind a good man and in so doing, find that the success of my family was largely due to my dedication to their upbringing.

 There is a Garth Brooks song, “I Thanks God for Unanswered Prayers”.  I am happy that my father in heaven had the ultimate understanding of who I am his timing for the things I wanted more than anything else was different than mine.  While being single for so long is not that path that I would have chosen, God had things he needed me to accomplish before I got married and had a family.

  In Psalm 139:13-17 the scriptures states, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I wasmade in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of theearth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them cameto be. How precious to me are your thoughts  God! How vast is the sum of them!”

 If God knit me together in my mother’s womb, as scripture states in Psalms, then he had to know my potential from the beginning.  Not only did He know my potential, but He knew what it would take to train me up in the way I should go.  He knew that my distorted view of my abilities to contribute would take a great deal of training to keep me moving forward.

 After I graduated college (first mind blowing accomplishment), I floundered in a couple different jobs and never felt a calling.  As I began in commercial real estate, I listened to my female boss that was well spoken and extremely bright.  It was the first time I realized that I had choices.  I remember her thinking through a tricky political situation in the office out loud for my benefit.  She broke down the situation and asked herself what result she wanted.  If I do this, this will happen.  If I do that, that will happen.  Once she could map out in her mind what she wanted to do, she strategically set out to ensure the result.  I watched that several times and then found myself repeating her behavior of mapping out a desired result.

 The decision process was new to me.  I think I flew by the seat of my pants for so long without the realization of choice of outcome that it was liberating.  This allowed me to set goals that were achievable.  I think it also gave me hope for a future.  Little did I know that my life training camp had just started.  I still wanted to get married and have kids, but while I was single, I would do my best to accomplish what I could to ensure some control in my life.  Thus, the vicious cycle of over performing to achieve bigger things had me hooked.  

I also struggled with my weight in my 20’s.  Numbers on the scale went up and down, so I never felt confident in myself.  Another reason to over-achieve.  I found myself trying to impress others despite my weight by focusing on my accomplishments.

 In my 30’s I lost a great deal of weight.  Then I discovered that people assume you are competent if you look a certain way.  Iwas furious!  I wanted to be attractive and desired but was mad that it came along with a visual ticket that was not earned.  So, I was able to look the part and achieve success based upon doing less and benefitting more.

 Oh, the struggle to discover who I was, brought me in search of approval and recognition.  I didn’t think to ask my heavenly father to let me in on the secret of my inner being.  I knew the scripture but didn’t see the application for an intended result.

 After I got married and started having children, I had to go back to work to help support the family. In my mind, it was always temporary. I always felt like I was called to be a stay-at-home mom and when my reality clashed with my dream, I felt like I was cheated out of God’s best for my life.  I had to settle due to my circumstances.  I felt entitled and angry.

 I don’t doubt that God wants moms and dads to be home with their kids.  I think the time you have with them is brief and that it is the largest calling in the world.  This post is not a chance to weigh in on the “stay at home” argument.  This post is the realization that God knows me and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  He has a plan for my life.  In Jeremiah29:11 God states, “I have a plan for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.”

 We are unique and only our father knows how we are built.  His plan for my life is far better than a plan that I may have for mine. Surrendering myself to the will of God for my life has become more than the roles I play in life.  My children and my husband are my world.  I cherish each minute and want to spend all my time taking care of them and pouring God’s word into their souls. But if God has called me to do or be something in addition to a mother and wife, who am I to question my maker.  The ripple effect of his impact will travel farther than the ripple effect of my hopes and dreams.

 I feel like my God has used me in many different circumstances.  I surrender my life to my maker and am willing to do what he has asked me to do.  Whether or not I think it was to be at home or at work.  The realization that I may never get to be that stay-at- home mom like I had hoped and dreamed doesn’t mean that I am letting go of my dreams, but instead am surrendering myself to God’s purpose for my life.

 Lord, I pray that you use me in accordance with the strengths that you have built into me.  I pray that my agenda for my life is less about me and more about you.  I claim your plan for me to give me hope and a future.  I pray that I hear your direction clearly, so I am in your will for my life.  I ask that I am an example to my children about surrendering and thriving in your will. Please use me as you see fit Lord. Amen!

Kathy

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