The Mind is a Battlefield

I have been so excited about the launch of the website that I have worked on it for what seems like years. I have edited and re-edited the blogs in hopes that I what I wrote down clearly reflected how I was feeling.  I prayed over each blog post and prayed over those people who have helped me build a website that I could be proud of. I worked on openly telling people that I was writing a blog.  I have heard others say that you have to embrace the calling boldly, so you won’t turn back.  Even when I was writing, I didn’t think I was really “writing”.  I know – call me crazy.

Then, when I published the blog earlier this week, I got so excited that we had truly created a website that I was proud of, that I forgot to keep my eyes open to the attack that would be coming in my head to question my worthiness and ability. I questioned the thought that I could make any impact at all.  And while the jury is still out on all of that, the emotional attack felt very real. The very next morning, I felt like I was failing at work and failing at home.  I felt like I had let people down even if I didn’t know why.  The day went on and my thought life was astoundingly negative. I even went to a couple of really close friends and told them what I was thinking and feeling.  Leave it to my really good friends to call me out on the fear. The fear of being found out that I am not perfect.  The fear of wasting my time and money on something that leaves me feeling vulnerable at best, and a hypocrite at the worst.

So, here’s the thing. I am far from perfect!  Sometimes I feel like I am the least perfect voice out there.  I look back at my past and see times in my life that were just down- right awful. The person I was during the hard times was not the person I wanted to be.  When someone is walking around wounded, they wound others.  Now you have two un-functional people making mistakes and producing unwelcome behavior and it gets worse from there.  But it doesn’t have to stay that way.  When I look back at my regrets of my past, I can’t help but be thankful that those times are in the past and I am not sitting in the same place I was when things were awful.  God has taken my ugly and rubbed some of the dirt and grime off the outside, but the inside is where God’s evident change is.  What was old has become new again.  What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

So, I decided to tell you about the attack going on inside my head.  I know it cannot have power over me if I bring it into the light.  I am imperfect and a mess, but I think that is how God can use me to bring others into the light.  What lies are going on in your head that you fall victim to when you are feeling down or tired?  In one of the other blogposts, I wrote about being gatekeepers of what we allow ourselves to see.  You can’t un-see something, but you can stop the mental games in your head and fill your mind and heart with good things, godly things.

Philippians 4:4-9Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guards your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me – put into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Lord, I ask you to take control over my wandering thoughts.  I confess that I allowed myself to listen to the lies that ran through my mind instead of the scripture you have given us to teach us how to live. I ask that you forgive me Lord.  I want to think about things that are lovely and pure, but I have to confess that there is often a battle in my mind.  I surrender my mind and heart to you.  I ask you to mold me and make me a woman that honors you in all that I say or do. I know Lord, that I am not perfect. I know that Jesus is the one and only man on earth that was sinless.  I pray that you draw me near to you so I may find comfort in your presence.  I love you, Lord.

Please be kind to yourself. Please stop and evaluate the thoughts going through your mind.  Hold it up to what you know to be true.  Aim high! God is willing to meet you where you are and bring you into his truth about you.  He has a plan, and He knows what is best.  Surrender your heart to him in all that you say and do.  I have been a Christian since I was 10 years old. I have not conquered the battle in my mind but, hope that the time I spend in battle is lessened and the lies I tell myself are not what God says about me.

Be encouraged.  God is faithful.

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