Gatekeeper

I worked for the same man for a decade in commercial real estate.  I felt like he respected me and my efforts and that he was mentoring me in some way.  He would give me all the challenges that he wanted me to solve.  I was his “go to girl” to solve whatever issue was at hand. I think I took pride in my abilities to strive for great outcomes and resolve each issue.  He would empower me to do whatever it took to get something resolved.  Then, when I finally achieved the desired outcome, I would go to him and he would give me another challenge.  This became a crazy chain of events that I bought in on and emotionally committed myself to solve.  This went on for years.  There was an occasional “job well done” or “I knew you would fix it”, but never enough to balance out the emotional burden of carrying someone else’s priorities and failures.

Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of ways that I challenged myself to get creative and solve problems.  I was often the one who had to lay down my sword and go to whomever was wronged and take the “heat” for someone else’s failures to move the business past a point of broken and to restore a confidence in our company and move forward. While that helped me to develop my personal relationship skills, it carried a burden that weighed heavy on my soul.

Let me explain.  If everything was good in my world and I had the energy to take on the challenge, then I could do it with little cost to my mental health.  If there were personal issues with my family or health challenges we experienced, or a lack of sleep etc. the cost grew heavier, and it made the problem solving harder. Years passed and I just thought I had to “suck it up” and keep going.  I didn’t understand the toll it was taking on the way I engaged in life and the way I treated others.  Especially those co-workers who had stopped short of solving their own issues. It made me short sighted and frustrated with those around me.  It was an unhealthy cycle that I was knowingly taking a part of without understanding the damage it was doing to my heart.

After I left that company and had moved on to another real estate firm, I had time to reflect on my past behaviors and the heaviness of my heart.  I struggled to find joy in my accomplishments and victories.  I struggled to find value in the skill set I developed. I didn’t want to be the problem solver for another boss that carried the same weight that I previously felt.  What makes a problem solver runaway from having an impact in the daily workload and want to hide?

As I prayed about the heaviness in my heart and the resentment that I had allowed to build up over time, God started to show me glimpses of how I got off track.  With each problem to solve, I was emotionally taking on the burden of each challenge as if I had failed myself.  I would allow the circumstance to weigh heavy on my heart until I was emotionally carrying someone else’s problems.  My boss didn’t ask me to carry the emotional burden, I did that to myself.  I became so tangled up with each challenge that I committed to carry the failure until I had satisfactorily solved the problem, and everyone was happy.  Everyone was happy except me.  The toll it would take would linger in my mind and heart. It would interrupt my sleep and insert itself in my relationships. It would cause me to withhold my best from the people that I loved the most.  The emotional toll set me on the outside of a life of joy looking in.  I allowed myself to be only as valuable as my results. There was never enough time in between each challenge to regain my sense of well-being and joy.

I remember when my son, Jake, was about 5 or 6 years old and he went to play with an older friend from school and his friend showed him some scary videos while they were together. He didn’t mention it until it interrupted his dreams, and he woke up in the middle of the night crying.  After asking a lot of questions and trying to quiet his soul so he could go back to sleep, I found myself stewing about the incident that was out of his control.  My anger grew with the older child and with myself for not protecting my son.  I knew this was a learning moment for both of us.  After asking the Lord for wisdom to deal with the situation, I went back to sleep.

The next morning, Jake and I had a conversation about the fact that you can’t “un-see” something once you have seen it.  He could pray and ask Jesus to protect his mind from the scary scenes he saw.  He asked Jesus to bring happy things to his mind and heart so he would not live in fear.  It helped him regain a little bit of control over his thought life and his choices.

This lesson has been a valuable one in our household.  We decided that we were in control of the things we let into our minds.  We decided that if in doubt about a situation, don’t go there.  As much as a 5- or 6-year-old boy could understand, this lesson has been fruitful throughout his childhood years.  We are the gatekeepers of what we allow into our minds and hearts.  We must diligently protect ourselves from the things we know and don’t know.  We need to ask ourselves if the curiosity of the unknown is bigger than the actual pain we might feel.  Most of the time, the answer is no.

As time went on and my company change settled in, I began to unravel the mixed emotions I had from the problem solving I did with my past employer.  I realized that I personally chose to carry the emotional burden of each problem.  I know my boss didn’t carry that burden because I took it on.  So, with each solved problem, it cost me a little bit of joy and peace.  I was not being the gatekeeper of what I allowed to settle in my heart and mind. I didn’t protect my family from feeling the burdens that I was carrying.  I suffered, my family suffered and my relationship with the Lord suffered.

Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever s lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me – put into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

If I am the gatekeeper of my mind, I can choose what to put in there! I choose to think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable!

Romans 12:2   Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This means I need to take an active role in what goes into my mind and heart and what I allow myself to focus on.  I do not have to allow someone else to dictate where I spend my time and energy. If I am committed to live a life that is full of love and joy, my mind needs to linger in things that are full of love and joy.  It is a choice to choose joy.

1 Peter 1:13-16   Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christi s revealed at his coming.  As obedient children do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”

Lord, I choose to surrender my mind and heart to you!  Help me to put into practice all the ways Ican protect my mind and heart so that I give it away freely in joy and love.  I pray Lord, that you would give me the wisdom to know myself and how I process stress.  I ask you Lord, for self-awareness to catch myself when my thoughts are off kilter and when my view of others is tainted by their imperfections.  You love me with all my imperfections.  Father, help me to find value and perspective of everyone I meet and help me to offer joy in every situation.  I love you, Lord!

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