May 7, 2018

May 7, 2018

As I think through the thoughts of serving God with not only my whole heart, but my whole life, I worry about what I am getting myself into.  I must admit that the doubt of success is haunting me, but the fear of success is equally as binding.  I sit comfortably in a good white-collar job making more money than I thought I would ever make, enjoying a lifestyle that spoils my kids with good things, and leaves my marriage in a comfortable loving and trusting friendship that continues to meld our lives together as one.

I have always wanted my husband to think that I am good at what Ido and that he is proud of me.  Even when he tells me that he is proud of me, it rolls off my shoulder as if there is no grit or integrity to his words.  Not because I think he would tell me something that he did not feel, but because the walls that I have built around my heart to protect myself keeps me from the joy and satisfaction of feeling anyone’s approval or pleasure in me.

What does that say about how I view my worth or value to God.  If God has created me in His image and if He takes joy in His creation, then I should naturally draw the conclusion that God is pleased with me and that he knows me intimately and will never reject me.  There is a big difference in knowing God will never reject me versus knowing that God loves me intimately even though he knows my inner thoughts and feelings and that He still chooses me.

When I was single, I lived my life for a future that I would one day realize.  Whether it was to be financially stable, successful, pretty, thin, funny, and any other adjectives that I can think of would mean that I have arrived. I have often thought that after I got out of college, I needed to learn how to have self-control.  I needed to control my career.  I needed to control my finances.  I needed to control how I was perceived by others which meant controlling my weight and putting my best foot forward.  I found myself looking for the looks of unknown others in a crowd to validate that I was worthy of a hello or pleasant smile.  That battle was unwinnable.  I would eat because I was lonely and would struggle with using food as a substitute for the emptiness that I felt.  It was a mean vicious cycle.  I just knew that I was in a holding pattern that would all go away with the marriage and children that I desired.

So instead of dealing with the emptiness inside, I found a surgical solution to end a behavioral longing. The gastric bypass altered my body so significantly and so quickly that I did not have the time to process the change. It felt like a magic solution. All of a sudden, I was feeling and looking better.  I was being validated by compliments on the changes in my appearance and the new-found interest in me by men was all I had hoped for.  The desire to be known and loved intimately had turned into a quick and cheap attention span.  The longing to be known was not on the radar.  I completely missed the fact that the issue was needing to be known and loved by the only true lover of my soul –God.  Only God can love me in a truly intimate way.  My heart longed for the unconditional acceptance.  I wanted to feel the joy of being known and loved by man and looked for someone to fill the gap left by my sin and the negligence of my soul.  I am confident in saying that only living through the pain and self-examination produces character that translates into a more spiritual intimacy with God.  

1 John 4 :18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear had to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

Psalm 86:15 But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you but will rejoice over you with singing."

Dear Father, please forgive me for seeking approval from outside sources and not seeking you out to find out the marvelous ways you have made me and love me. Forgive me for wanting the tangible things I can see and touch instead of spending time looking for my value in you. Your unfailing love never ceases. Help me to me myself as you see me. I love you.

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